Your conversations sound like the same old song.

Roses in vases and whiskers on kittens,

Patterns on purses and streaming subscriptions,

Amazon packages ordered through screens—

These are a few of her favorite things.

Cream-colored interiors and warm salty pretzels,

Drive-thru and new season for her fall shows,

Wild girls that fly with backs tattooed with wings—

These are a few of her favorite things.

Girls in white dresses with debt-laden weddings,

Restaurants serving Diet Coke at all seatings,

Gossip that flows from last summer through spring—

These are a few of her favorite things.

The song never ends and don’t you dare forget her preferences. If you prefer a popular, modern rendition, here’s an offense to grammar from a modern pop singer.

Yeah, breakfast at Tiffany’s and bottles of bubbles

Girls with tattoos who like getting in trouble

Lashes and diamonds, ATM machines

Buy myself all of my favorite things

My wrist, stop watchin’, my neck is flossy

Make big deposits, my gloss is poppin’

You like my hair? Gee, thanks, just bought it

I see it, I like it, I want it, I got it

Wearing a ring, but ain’t gon’ be no “Mrs.”

Think retail therapy my new addiction

Look at my neck, look at my jet

Ain’t got enough money to pay me respect

Ain’t no budget when I’m on the set

If I like it, then that’s what I get, yeah

I want it, I got it, I want it, I got it

That’s only excerpts. You know the script. She keeps these conversations with you on repeat. She always has time to tell you what she would do if you made more money. She has lists on her phone of the things she wants to buy. It’s the third night in a row of talking about redecorating the house, again. She found another bag she wants. The last bag didn’t work for some reason you can’t remember now. This new show she is watching is so good. Wait, pull over, her Diet Coke needs a refill.

She will talk endlessly and cheerfully about any of the topics above. Have you recently tried talking about the household budget or how to teach your kids better principles? How did that go?

I bet when you talk to her about saving for retirement she gets in a mood. It’s the mood she gets in when she walks out on the conversation to watch one of her shows and scroll on her phone.

You tried talking to her after she lost her mind over the little thing that happened after dinner. Let me guess. The conversation didn’t go far.

The best conversation was last time you tried to hold her accountable for her behavior. That was a beauty. It was like fireworks in July. You couldn’t hide it from the kids. Your neighbors heard the show.

This has gone on long enough that the pattern is sitting right in front of you. The topics she likes are always up for discussion and repeat often. Your topics are allowed when they are superficial and don’t drag on too long. Every topic that is important to your marriage is too painful or too difficult to have the conversation. She will be too tired for that conversation, night after night after night. She will be too hungry to have the conversation after work and before dinner. She will be too busy in the morning, even on the weekends, to have important conversations.

However, she drags you along to look at another new neighborhood under construction and talk about how much better this floorplan would be than your current house. There’s always time for that.

It’s not your imagination. It’s not an accident. She wants to keep the conversation superficial. She doesn’t want to go deep.

You have important topics that need to be discussed. We discuss important topics here. We believe in healthy relationships.

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Do you remember the time you told that one friend who your crush was? That so-called friend proceeded to walk up to your crush and share exactly what you said. Then this former friend spread the news around the school. How did you feel? Were you mortified? Did you skip school the next day? Did your crush laugh at you? When you passed this person in the hall, did they try to avoid you, give you condescending looks, or fail to hide looks of disgust? Did you trip your turncoat friend in the lunch line?

Maybe you got lucky. Maybe your crush had a crush on you. Maybe this was a transformative experience and turned into a great relationship. You would probably be in the minority if that is your story.

A more likely and relevant story is found in the relationship between you and the friend in whom you confided. You shared a deeply personal emotion. It was an act of vulnerability. You shared something in confidence, expecting you could trust this friend. However, you quickly found out how easily this friend could betray you. You discovered they didn’t think about you. They didn’t care about you or your feelings. They found information they could use to grab a bit of power.

They relished the opportunity to take this secret and spread it to other people. It made them feel important. They liked the attention they got as kids reacted, made faces, and started making jokes. Perhaps they glowed with smug satisfaction. Maybe they ate up the attention with a greedy, pathetic neediness. Whatever the response, it’s unlikely you could process the psychological pathologies on display.

One lesson was unmistakable. From this point forward you had no doubt in your mind. You could not trust this person.

You would never tell them anything again.

Narcissists are exactly like these children who can’t keep a secret. They love the power of finding out your secrets, weaknesses, vulnerabilities, and triggers. They love to hold anything they can over others. They are literally after power. Whatever kind they can obtain, they will snatch it up.

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This is especially hard to detect with covert narcissists. However, similar to other narcissists and just like that childhood friend, they abuse that power. You might not recognize this yet in your relationship, but you must become aware of the signs. One of the stronger signs is something you can judge for yourself.

If you stop sharing things with your partner because it might trigger a reaction or the information will be used against you, that’s your sign. Pay attention. This wasn’t one traumatic event and a slip of the tongue. This was a pattern the narcissistic person established. You shared personal thoughts and details about yourself. Later this person used that information to manipulate, shame, or control you. Maybe she wanted to win an argument. Maybe he wanted the upper hand. It happened enough times that you found yourself questioning whether to share certain details. Over time, you found it easier to keep certain details to yourself.

If you’re deep into this pattern you’ve also likely been told that you don’t communicate or you never share anything. This is another common narcissistic tactic. It’s easy to fall for this tactic because it shames you. It weaponizes your empathy by making you feel bad for not being a better partner. However, when you slip and share something, you inevitably find yourself back in the same position. Your words are used against you, and you regret sharing.

To be clear, many people who can’t be trusted with personal information are not narcissists. You might have cut someone off or decided to keep conversations to superficial topics. This doesn’t mean that person is a narcissist. Children and many adults are not mature enough to hear certain information. Friends don’t need to hear all the mistakes you made in a weak moment. Members of a club don’t need to know about every interest you pursue. That’s called discretion. We’re not talking about that.

We’re talking about a pattern you experienced when you told your spouse, partner, or another person close to you something personal and these details were repeatedly weaponized against you. While you should pay attention to this pattern, it’s more complicated than that. Subscribe and find out more to help yourself find a better way to live.

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While western economies have become more service-based, people demonstrate an increasingly stunning ignorance as to the meaning and importance of service. With faces smashed to screens, we declared victory calling everyone connected. We boldly proclaimed that people around the world are more connected to everyone else in the world than ever before in history. Except, your most frequent conversation partner has AI in its name. We pushed grandpa’s wheelchair down the stairs in our rush to connect through screens and gain followers. Few paused to ask whether it was easier to schedule game night with the connections we already knew.

We celebrated the speed of Amazon delivery as it accelerated to achieve same day delivery. I don’t know about you, but receiving that pack of sponges within hours makes me want to clean with joy. Alright, not really. In fact, it’s ridiculous that we call this progress. People buy stuff they don’t need, because they saw it online. Then the billionaire makes another billion delivering stuff at a speed that ensures no people interact at any point in the process. This is a win, if you’re trying to design a society full of narcissists.

Thanks to a number of online companies, we expect the digital world to cater to us individually. Whatever we want, delivered as near to instantaneously as possible. This leaves everyone with more free time. Now we get to play board games!

Not so fast. That free time can’t be spent with people in person. Can you imagine how awkward it would be talk to another human being without a screen to block their eyes from looking into your own? Your sarcastic expression can’t hide behind memes in person. However, there’s a bigger issue. Face to face understanding would defeat the engineering goals for society. We need people to focus on efficient consumption. If you need evidence, consider eating contests and TikTok challenges. Consumption is king. Politicians tell people to shop to spur the economy. They need the economy to appear strong so they can get re-elected. Pour more junk in your face and smash that button.

When we’re not consuming, the rest of our time is spent focusing on ourselves. Here’s a use case that is obvious to anybody who observes the conduct of phone addicts. The more time people spend on their phones, the more time they focus on themselves. That’s ironic considering the phone was allegedly invented to help connect people. Girls get mad when their phone time is interrupted. Mess up her selfie and watch beauty turn into a beast. Kids turn violent when their electronics are taken away. Hint at your wife that she should spend less time on the phone and see how fast the look in her eye changes.

I hope you’re laughing, because you’re likely reading this on your phone right now. Perhaps the best thing you could do is stop reading, hide your phone, and go look a human in the eye. That’s not wrong.

I’ll make this valuable to justify your time and subscription to Informed Empathy. Not all screen time is equal. Reading is healthy for your brain and possibly your soul. Interpret that as religiously or secularly as you like. Either interpretation is probably true. Playing Ten Crush for the hundredth time is far less valuable than engaging in serious thought about the world and your place in it. The quality of the content you consume directly impacts the results you achieve. Another intelligence-frying TikTok is levels below the weakest self-help books. More important than any example, if you’re reading this, you’re likely the kind of person that has recognized something has gone wrong across society. Even more, you probably recognize that your phone isn’t nearly as healthy or helpful as every Apple ad has tried to convince you.

What’s the point? Whether intentional or not, our society is breeding narcissism. It’s not one person. It’s not a specific political party. It’s not part of a business plan. I wish it was. It would make it easier to form a mob and pillage the corporate office. Now that would be a viral story on Substack. “How I Defeated Narcissism with a Mob.” Don’t forget to like and subscribe!

Unfortunately, our societal narcissism is a result of unconscious decisions multiplied. Ideologies pushed for over a century told everyone to focus on themselves. Entertainment became increasingly easy to consume alone. You don’t have to negotiate which show to watch when everybody has their own screen. Isn’t Timmy such a nice boy when he’s been sedated by mommy’s phone? Most people don’t have to run from lions or chase gazelle to stay alive. On the other hand, is ordering DoorDash for another night of Netflix truly living? The ease of life breeds laziness. Laziness breeds narcissism.

Narcissism breeds narcissists. Ouch. At least the narcissists are increasingly stuck on their screens with less time for breeding. Call it the silver lining of societal collapse. When they starve because DoorDash never showed up, the survivors can band together and accurately assess the situation thanks to a sudden decline in gaslighting.

Herein lies the truth of a society that breeds narcissism. That society expedites its own destruction. Rome didn’t fall in a day. People had to focus on themselves longer than that. They had to buy in on the lies. “Don’t listen to that old guy. I like this new guy, Narcissus.”

One step at a time, society multiplies the consequences we now face. Maybe we can pull our faces up from the distractions and unite. We won’t unite as a mob, but I’d still like to defeat narcissism. If only there was a way for empathic and intelligent individuals to unite in common purpose for the public good.

On hands and knees, you begin sweeping for mines, moving meticulously from door to living room. You conduct a thorough search with eyes and hands. A double detection method you’ve honed with practice. You know the horror of stepping on a Lego. You know how sharply it stabs the sensors in your feet. How it jolts you like reverse lightning forcing your head back, eyes wide, as the thunderous scream of pain escapes from your gaping mouth.

You’re determined. Not today children. Not today. The late afternoon sun blinds you through the open… blinds. You lower your sunglasses as if donning night vision goggles in a blackout operation. Your sweep continues across hard surfaces and carpet. Your knees are grateful for any padding as you conduct your mission in absolute silence. This is urban warfare. Traps must be detected and deactivated. You find a rectangular weapon with two round connectors on top. A rueful smirk tugs at the top of your left upper lip. The diabolical landmine was camouflaged within the pattern of the rug. Your confidence builds. Another piece found as you approach the scene of the Lego crime. It’s a slow and tedious process, but you’re committed.

Finally, you make it to the epicenter. You round the corner and find a minefield. Walking in here in the middle of the night would be certain death. Or maybe you would wish for death instead of a foot massacre. You set to work deactivating the traps left behind by child soldiers. These tiny partisans were thorough in their planting scheme. You deactivate every last seed of death from your knees. It takes time, but you finally succeed in clearing the area. With satisfaction you stand up and stretch, happy to be off your knees.

Just then your family gets home. You made it clean and safe for them. Your spouse enters the house and finds you standing there not doing anything. With some annoyance as the kids boisterously attack you for hugs, your spouse asks you to go fetch something. It’s needed now.

Without alluding to the minefield you just cleared, you hurry to help. You’re feeling good after your military service. As you enter the room you were sent to, you’re feeling calm and relaxed. There’s a bounce in your step. You bounce onto a landmine with a pointed tip that hits you right in that soft spot behind the ball of the foot. Lightning shoots from the base of your foot in a spot so deep you didn’t know it existed. It jolts through your body, contorting your limbs and joints. Your head snaps back, eyes bulge, and you stifle your yell down to the agonized gurgle of the dying. You fall to the floor defeated. You can’t look. You know it’s bad. You’ve lost a leg. It’s another maiming sponsored by Lego.

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This is an accurate representation of what it’s like to be with a narcissist. Every day with them becomes this level of hypervigilance. At home or in their vicinity, you anticipate what will next go wrong. You develop tactics and patterns to anticipate their needs. It doesn’t matter what you’ve been working on or your plans. You start to develop a sixth sense for trouble. You start to see trouble where there is none. You wait on them in the morning to see whether they will wake up in a dark mood or light. Will they be happy and playful? Will they be looking to punish someone even before their eyes open?

Traps and minefields lie around every corner. Over time you learn many of the triggers. Dirty house, messy kitchen, toys left out, Pepsi instead of Diet Coke, kids not sleeping, kids playing too loud, singing, loud noises, people not serving fast enough at a restaurant, travel delays, food options beneath expectations. The list goes on and you compile it in your head, often kept in active memory. It’s a big list and you have to scan for lots of things to keep the narcissist appeased. It consumes lots of energy. The reward is once in a while you get a pat on the head or a treat thrown your direction. Even better, you feel satisfaction when you prevent a trigger event. It gives you a false confidence that you’re getting better at helping this person.

If any of this sounds familiar, take it as a sign. Something is amiss. While I have no issue with Lego, this metaphor represents an unhealthy dynamic. Subscribe to Informed Empathy. Learn more. You are deserving of love and appreciation. Don’t fight this battle alone.

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Story 1

A man and his wife have been married for less than a year when they embark on the adventure of a lifetime. They are young and beautiful as they walk through the airport. Work has sponsored a transfer overseas and all their worldly possessions have been packed, shipped, or stored. They roll the appropriate luggage behind them as they walk, starry eyed, excited for the adventure ahead. Most especially, they are grateful to walk together on this path. Along that path, they spot a particular ice cream shop. He comments to her that they will likely not see that particular brand of ice cream where they are going. She agrees and they stop to each get two double-scoops generously stuffed into waffle cones. Their leisurely pace continues until they approach their gate. A wrinkle of concern appears as they notice a long line of foreigners, mostly people who look nothing like them and carry ragtag items that are insulting to the term baggage. Ice cream cones in hand, the young couple step quickly into line and continue talking as they eat their ice cream. They comment on the appearance of the bags other passengers are carrying. In some cases, it appears people have tied bundles together, skipping the concept of a bag entirely. Many of them carry multiple items. This worldly couple feels confident that they have complied with the airline policies, each carrying two appropriate and sanctioned items. Nothing more. Suddenly, to their astonishment, one of the airline employees singles them out. They are the only passengers with their particular skin color and appropriate bags for the airplane. He tells them they must check one of their bags. In fact, he points, choosing which bag they must check. It’s the bag that holds all their sensitive documents. Immediately flustered, the woman drops her mostly uneaten ice cream in a trash can and opens the bag to start reorganizing. A fireproof box presents a problem in that regard. The entire bag seems to be packed around this metal container holding all the most sensitive documents they possess. The husband, knowing this is an expensive last treat in his native country, tries to hold onto his ice cream and help with the other hand. His wife lashes out angrily and commands him to throw away the ice cream.

Story 2

On a stormy evening a family is home engaged in typical family activities. Younger kids are in bed. Older kids are winding down. Mom is in her room watching her favorite show. The day’s activities were no more or less strenuous than usual. School, work, sports, games, meals, rides, and the like have filled another day of family life. Dad is in his office trying to push a project forward in his typical fatherly fashion. His time is stretched and limited by the significant demands of being a husband and father that works full time. He loves his wife and children dearly and is happy to make the sacrifices that enable this pleasant picture of family life. He upgraded his family to this home and it serves them well. It protects them in great comfort as the storm rages around them on this evening. Lightning and thunder punctuate the sounds of rain pattering on the windows and roof. One particularly aggressive salvo of lightning and thunder causes the lights to flicker. Everything seems fine. The lights stay on. His project continues. However, a shrill complaint fills the air. Mom approaches calling for dad. Her TV show and the internet seem to have dropped out. Both her TV show and her phone have interrupted her nightly habits. It’s a matter of great urgency for her. She makes that crystal clear for her dear husband.

Story 3

A man stops by his house for lunch on a Thursday. It’s a typical work day. His wife is finishing her own lunch when he arrives. He notices, but does not comment that the kitchen is dirty. Dishes from breakfast, crumbs from lunch, and the woman’s lunch dishes are left out. She states that she is tired and goes to take a nap. They have a couple small children and both are down for naps already. The man understands the exhaustion of raising kids. Young children are needy and it takes work to care for them. He doesn’t begrudge his wife the nap in the middle of the day. As for him, he doesn’t have that luxury. He grabs something to eat, neither adding to nor mitigating the mess he found when he arrived. He returns to work to finish another average day in a corporate job. At the end of the work day, the man returns home to discover the earlier mess remains. Kids are playing in typical kid fashion. His wife is trying to cook in a messy kitchen and shows no sign of the nap he saw her take. He loves his kids and greets them happily. They too are excited to see and play with dad. After initial games and greetings are done he asks his wife if he can help her. He is surprised at the level of anger she expresses as she gestures at the mess in the kitchen and tells him he can feed the kids the meal she prepared. She slams the door to their room and disappears without further explanation.

The game begins.

Can you spot the connection?

Is it the same man and woman in each story?

Too obvious. It could be, but doesn’t have to be.

Maybe the connection is representations of family life with kids. The first couple didn’t have kids, so you dismiss that idea as soon as it arrives.

Many people were trained to not criticize women, but the signs weren’t masked in these stories. The wife is angry or perhaps unkind in each story. If that is your guess, you’re getting closer, but not quite there.

Considering that narcissism is a core topic at Informed Empathy, more astute readers may have quickly spotted the answer. In each of these stories, the answer is not the woman. Here is the connection. Each story paints a picture of what it’s like to be with a covert narcissist.

No matter the story, nor the problem, the man is responsible and must fix it. Blame is shifted to him in each circumstance. Let me add the rest of the story. You might recognize how similar the ending for each story appears despite dramatically different details.

At the airport, the man tried to keep his ice cream. The couple was singled out. They stood out in line for multiple reasons. It’s not possible for a covert narcissist to be the reason they were singled out. It must be the man’s fault. When he didn’t immediately launch his ice cream into the trash and instantly reorganize the bag the woman packed, it demonstrates his failing. He must fix this situation. He is the man after all and this must be something he takes care of to protect her honor and dignity.

On a stormy night at home, when the entire city is mercilessly dropped from the internet, that too is a man’s fault. Clearly, the woman does not manage the internet. She is merely a beneficiary of this utility. This is the man’s domain of technological savvy and he must always manage it to the standard his wife expects. He controls it. Thus, when a storm knocks the internet out, the man is responsible both for this travesty of inconvenience but also to fix it and ensure she can finish her show for the night.

When a man visits his house at lunchtime, he becomes responsible for any lunch mess that remains. Did he not read the fine-print of the feminist marriage discord of 1967? It doesn’t matter that it was already messy. It doesn’t matter if he takes food and leaves, never eating in her kitchen. It doesn’t matter that his wife left her mess from lunch. Per the rules, once a man enters the woman’s domain, he becomes responsible for the mess.

Do you see the connection now? It hides in plain sight. It can hide for years before someone recognizes the dynamic. When you are with a covert narcissist, you are responsible for everything. As the name implies, the responsibility is often passed covertly. You should have packed the bags so the gate agent wouldn’t single your wife out to her great shame in public. You should ensure the internet is robust enough that storms won’t interrupt her TV addiction. You should recognize how tired she is from being a stay-at-home mom and clean the entire kitchen on your lunch break.

The examples are extreme enough to be absurd. It sounds like a joke. Nobody could be that unreasonable. Right?

We could never expect a man to predict how a random gate agent would single out a specific bag that fits carry-on requirements. Do we expect a man to pay for two alternate internet services to provide automated redundancy as a failsafe for binging Real Housewives? A wife that leaves her own mess would never find a way to blame her husband.

Would she?

If this describes your life, your reality, it’s not a joke. If you understand this feeling, it’s a sign. If you’re married to a narcissistic woman, statistically speaking, she is likely a covert narcissist. The signs are subtle and she knows how to mask them. She knows how to blame you for everything while maintaining enough ambiguity that she can’t be accused of blaming you.

If stories like this are common in your life, you feel this responsibility 24/7. You find yourself on the hook for everything that goes wrong. Even events over which you have no control and where you were not present, fall in your lap to fix. It’s not a conversation. No agreement was made between you and her. You were not present at the fictitious accords of 1967. It’s implied and understood that you, specifically you, need to fix this.

I understand. Many know this feeling. Many know this life. Please subscribe as I share what I did and continue to do to fix this situation.

You are not as alone as she makes you feel. She is right in one key aspect. You are responsible. You are responsible and capable of fixing the core issue in YOUR life.

I’m helping as many as I can deal with narcissistic relationships. Don’t stay isolated. Don’t carry this weight alone. Join and see how much better your life gets.

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Activities. The kids must have activities. She has told you hundreds of times. Timmy needs jujitsu because he’s a bit small. Cassie needs modeling lessons with the lady that auditioned for Next Top Model because who else is going to get her started in a highly competitive industry. These are the tip of an iceberg called expectations. We’ll steer the ship back around to that in a minute.

When you tell her that you only make so much money, she looks at you like you’re crazy. Maybe you are crazy. Maybe you don’t love your children as much as she does? Think about it. You only work 50 hours per week. If Timmy loses a fight, your entire family could be dishonored for three generations! Your wife requires you acknowledge her stunning beauty daily, sometimes hourly. Clearly, you didn’t give your daughter her gorgeous looks. Well, she got your eyelashes, something your wife comments on endlessly.

Don’t get me started on those. The eyelashes are incredible. Your wife reminds you of this contribution in the funniest way. “If only I had those eyelashes, I would be a model. I would make enough money for all the activities.” You can’t help it. You don’t understand why women take eyelashes so seriously. You can’t give your wife longer eyelashes naturally, but you did your miniscule genetic work to pass those lushes lashes to your daughter. Thank goodness! Imagine the failure you’d be if only you and your tiny son had those beautiful eye accents. Then you’d have to come up with even more money for mixed martial arts training on top of jujitsu. It would be as if you named him Sue and insisted on calling him a boy.

The pressure mounts week after week. Your kids are getting older and money is tight. Your daughter is already three years old and that son just had his first birthday. Activities are knocking on the door.

Wait.

No.

That’s your wife pounding her fist against the hollow core. You forgot to unlock the door after you finished strangling your pillow as if it was an abusive boss. In a cheerful tone, you call out, “Sorry, honey. I guess I missed that.” You open the door and she scowls at you, “Locking me out now?” It’s a wild accusation that hits the mark.

“I’m sorry,” you repeat, trying to deescalate before she again asks about the status of activities. However, she takes you by surprise. She asks whether you remembered to talk to your family about vacation. She told you this morning as you were leaving for work. She genuinely expects an answer. In the five minutes you’ve been home from work you could have called them.

“Umm…” your genius response momentarily appears to be working. The moment passes quickly.

She interrupts. “Do I need to call them myself? I do everything,” she reminds you that you’ve failed her expectations again. You tell her that’s not necessary. You’ll take care of it. You’ll call them right now. She stops you. It’s time for dinner and she has to meet up with the girls tonight. “Did you forget that too? I need you to do the night routine with the kids.”

Elated at the thought of dunking your kids in suds, you jump on that. “Oh, that’s great. I hope you have fun tonight.”

Can you feel the stress? Is this story a bit too real for you?

Maybe this sounds like events you’ve experienced with your spouse. The expectations are always there. You got that promotion. You changed companies to get a couple raises. You moved out of the apartment that was too small. You bought her a house. She got that minivan she needed to make it easier to transport the kids. All the while, the expectations keep rising. When she wants a Diet Coke, you provide Diet Coke, even if it means a detour and kids fussing. When you want a milkshake for the drive home from her parent’s house, she wants to get on the road. By the time the kids are asleep and she will allow you to stop for a milkshake, you’ve passed all the fast-food places or they’re closed. As she sips her Diet Coke she says, “We passed a McDonald’s a while ago.”

Only a truly sadistic or wildly delusional person could utter those words in such an innocent tone.

The expectations run in one direction. They run you over any time you slow your pace to catch your breath. It’s a difficult way to live, but you’re strong and she reminds you almost daily how lucky you are.

Don’t throw your phone. Unclench your fist and release the tension in your jaw.

Let’s take a breather and set some new expectations. I’ve lived this life. If you read this far, I suspect you also know the feeling. From the focus on herself to the passive aggressive comments she makes without warning, it’s not healthy. You might have moved a mountain of dirt to get her a swimming pool, but the pool isn’t big enough. You could have moved a bigger mountain for her.

The goalposts always move. Her expectations are never satisfied. It’s not about you and has nothing to do with you. This is the natural state of the covert narcissist. You can work yourself to death and she’ll say you didn’t leave her enough money.

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Even if the insurance policy covers her needs for the rest of her life, nothing will ever be enough.

Informed Empathy is necessary because narcissistic abuse hides in the silence. It hides in the isolation the narcissist creates around the target. We need to be informed about how our empathy is being weaponized against us. If you deal with a person who can’t communicate her expectations but always makes you pay when you fail these ambiguous standards, you are likely not the problem.

The people in your life are being kept in the dark. They can’t or refuse to see it. That’s why I’m telling you. The expectations don’t just feel impossible. They are impossible. It’s not an accident. It’s by design.

Subscribe to learn more and find a community of people that have experienced what you have experienced. You don’t have to be alone any longer.

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Peace is one of the things men want most, especially in a relationship. Each man might have a slightly different version, but here’s some examples of peace for a man.

• A clean home with the right balance of organization and lived-in

• An hour spent reading a good book without interruption

• Settling into a booth at a chill restaurant for a good meal with good company

• Falling asleep with a smile after another good day

These are all good things. You might even feel more peaceful reading this list. Each one carries a sense of calm that allows for comfort and introspection. Writing this list left me in a peaceful state. I believe peace can be more than this. It’s not limited to states of being that require low volumes, low activity, or slow movements. Here’s more examples.

• A morning at the park playing with your kid and he treats you like his hero

• Seeing enough money in the bank to cover emergencies

• Finishing an intense workout and knowing it represents good health

• Watching a child play on a sports team

• Serving a customer and knowing a job was well done

How often do we experience peace like those listed here? Some people come from backgrounds where they experience little to no peace. They don’t know the feeling. Some people have experienced peace in different periods of life. I grew up with many opportunities for peace. It wasn’t something I had to manufacture or aspire to. However, that changed in marriage. The longer I was married, the harder it was to find peace. It wasn’t a black and white change. I wasn’t living a peaceful life that ended the day I married. Slowly, over years, she stole my peace. She interrupted my quiet moments. She scheduled things to fill up my time. She was waiting when I got home from work to throw her chaos onto me. When I tried to take the family somewhere fun, she sabotaged it with negativity. When I watched my kids play sports she yelled shrilly at the field and made negative comments to me. No matter how much money I made and saved, it was never enough.

Meals were served with resentment. Chores completed with a chip on the shoulder. Even when I acknowledged her, she found a way to shame me for not doing it enough.

I slowly realized, over many years, that she would never allow peace in my life. It went against her nature. I studied her. I tried to help her. She refused.

Peace became an elusive dream. I came to understand why men so often say they want peace. I understood how big a problem it is that many women refuse to give men peace. I recently saw a video where a woman incredulously and sincerely asked, “Are you saying we don’t give you peace?” She was asking men in general and couldn’t believe the answer that is stunningly obvious to a large population of men. I expect a high percentage of men would report without hesitation that women do not give them peace.

It goes further than that. Women seem to intentionally prevent peace. Perhaps female nature is chaos at the core. If that’s true, then men should be built to deal with that chaos and transform it into the peace they need. I’m tempted to delete that last sentence because it feels like obviously terrible logic. The men who have no peace with a woman might feel like it’s victim-blaming. Our society has no problem giving men expectations.

The woman in the video began with a basic assumption. She assumed that women give men peace. She wasn’t debating it. Her assumption was embedded in the motivation for asking the question and posting it online. She knew that men want peace and want it from women. The disconnect lies in women believing that they are delivering on something when they are not.

It’s worth examining how peace is prevented. Men tend to perform better with direct, simple objectives.

1. Put the ball in the basket.

2. Build a pyramid.

3. Land on the moon.

Don’t mistake simple for easy. Men do incredibly difficult things where women are either unable or unwilling. Men aren’t looking for an easy path. They just don’t like to make things harder than necessary. That’s needless complexity. Men like simplicity, but the world is increasingly complex.

Take basic household items for example. Who knows how to manufacture a pencil or toaster? A guy once shared his process for building a toaster by himself. He mined and fabricated the base components needed to build the toaster. His final product was U-G-L-Y. It was expensive. The time and skill required was impressive, but the product was in no way economically viable.

Supply chains, manufacturing, science, technology, finance, and law have all become increasingly complex. Making the simplest product requires orchestrating a complex mix of materials, processes, people, and jurisdictions.

It’s not just men that suffer from complexity. If you’ve had a female partner in your life, how many times have you had to fix something stupid for her? She doesn’t know how to use the printer. She goes to pieces when the phone she spends all her time on doesn’t work as expected. She asks where the gas goes in a Tesla. You don’t have to look far to find women completely befuddled by the complexity of our world. Yet, when they struggle with complexity, they have the privilege of turning to a man and expecting him to fix it. A man gets to fix the plumbing, computers, car, house, and whatever else breaks. The woman emasculates him if he can’t do it. He works a full-time job where he is arguably underpaid, only to come home and put in another shift providing for all her needs.

Is it really that crazy for him to expect peace in return? Women take offense to questions like that. Like the woman in the video, they are incredulous. They will list all the things they do - cooking, cleaning, making money, and raising kids. Look at all the things I do for him! He should show some appreciation. In defending themselves, they are simultaneously deflecting responsibility, claiming they give peace, and proving they don’t have a clue how to give it.

I’ll acknowledge that many men prevent peace too. They behave in ways that add to the chaos. They shirk responsibilities. They don’t know how to respond to a woman that brings them chaos. Whether failing to perform their duties or they simply weren’t taught skills they need for healthy relationships, men will destroy their own peace at times. Men will choose women who were clearly not capable of providing peace. This responsibility too lies at the feet of men. Men are no closer to perfection than women.

Peace in a home is not the responsibility of one gender. Men and women are responsible for peace together. Men appear to be more aware as a group that they aren’t getting the peace they need. Women have been taught that the house is theirs, but they don’t have to bear responsibility for establishing peace in that house. That’s a lie society has now pushed for a long time. Social media propagates that lie exponentially.

If you’re a woman reading this, recognize that social media is full of lies proclaimed as truth. If you have or want a man, recognize that he needs peace in his life.

Men will choose peace over a woman. If you can’t read the room, read the comments on social media. They are full of men who have completely checked out of dating. Almost universally they report that their life is now peaceful thanks to avoiding women. Don’t take offense. Take the feedback. Think of providing peace as investing in your relationship. In this day and age, a woman can differentiate herself quite easily from other women by simply giving a man peace. Men appreciate simplicity like that. If that’s too much for you then consider this.

Peace is such a fundamental need for men that men will go to war to obtain peace.

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I started this Substack to help men and women recognize a growing problem. It’s a massive issue that hides in plain sight. It’s spreading across society and down to our children. If you are lacking peace in your relationship, it could have a number of causes. I explore a couple of those causes in depth. Subscribe and share this with any who are in search of greater peace in life.

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Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like. – Will Smith

That’s a quote from a man who is married to a woman who might fit some of the categories we focus on here. I can’t say more than that because he can afford a better lawyer than me and, in case we ever meet, I don’t want him to slap me.

Have you ever wondered what drives Will Smith to keep making money? My guess would have focused on positive attributes related to the actor’s drive and work ethic. That’s what I formerly thought.

For liability’s sake, I’m going to talk about a completely unrelated topic now. I’ll use another quote to make a more emphatic transition.

A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore. - Yogi Berra

The ever-quotable guy has been dead for a decade. Yet he still sums up the confusing nature of money with a covert narcissist. Whether he had a master’s understanding of inflation or obscure insights into psychology, he captured the confusion one feels about money when entangled with a covert narcissist.

Applying this saying to all women is an insult to women that actually build families. When a guy makes this joke, it’s his subconscious calling out narcissism.

The excitement my wife exuded that first night after I announced a raise was titillating. It took a couple of these events for me to catch on. In my younger days, I believed she was excited for me. I believed I was the man of the house bringing home the bacon. When I brought home the bacon, she made it hot.

Then, one day, I came home and announced a promotion with a raise exceeding 10%. In her reaction, I saw something that had always been there but gone unnoticed. She wasn’t excited for me. She was turned on by the thought of money. She was turned on by the idea of me putting more money in her bank account. Excuse me. She always corrected me, insisting it was OUR bank account. Never mind that she demanded I close my bank accounts and share her account when we got married. Also, ignore how she monitored the account and never let me withdraw money from it without prior permission.

On this special day, her reaction to the dollar amount of the raise led directly to an exciting night. The kids had to go to bed early. She was in such a rush.

I saw that. I noted it. Later, I called her out gently. I told her that she was turned on by the thought of money. She didn’t deny it. She bat her eyes at me and alluded to the spicy night we had. I’d never noticed this side of my wife before. She made a show of being frugal. Despite her frequent shopping she had an active, even aggressive return habit. She became known at Amazon and Nordstrom, partially because of her frequent returns.

All along the way, she kept telling me we needed money for activities for the children. It was always activities for the children. Yet, the cost and frequency of activities didn’t rise as fast as her lifestyle inflated. Her returns made it hard to track.

The pressure stayed on me. Even when I hit a level that was more than respectable, she kept up the pressure. Her spending increased every year despite trying to hold her accountable to budgets, having budget meetings, and taking more control of finances myself. She just couldn’t keep her financial promises to me.

Eventually our credit card bills each month were higher than my monthly income from earlier in our marriage. It wasn’t just inflation. Her lifestyle had slowly inflated and she had become better at obscuring the spend. She was good at spreading it out and making a show of returns. She pushed back against the budget meetings until we stopped them. She turned them into fights. I came to understand she didn’t care about the emotional or psychological toll she was putting on me. All she cared was to keep watching her bank account grow and that she could spend on the credit card as she saw fit without discussion. She wanted an endless source of cash, not a husband.

We could chalk it up to male-female differences. For a time, I think I did. After I discovered the covert narcissist and took decisive action, it was remarkable how fast the monthly spend dropped. Today, my monthly bills are a fraction of what they were.

Her relationship with money and how she used it against me was always a sign. Unfortunately, I didn’t know the signs. It took me years of slow and painful realization. I’m sharing this in hopes that you can discover the truth faster.

The epidemic of narcissism is real. Social media and culture are accelerating the spread. That spread seems faster among women. Plenty of narcissists are men. No argument there. However, statistically speaking, if your female partner is a narcissist, she is likely a covert narcissist. You need help identifying the truth. If she isn’t, I’m happy for you. If she is, you need to get informed quickly.

Letting her ruin you financially is not empathy.

Please subscribe to Informed Empathy. Education and reference points from outside the illusion she creates are vital to overcome the gaslighting and projection. We can help with that.

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Life is often colored by the lengths people go to avoid pain. A child plays sick, unable to go to school, to avoid the pain caused by other children. A woman calls herself a girl boss to avoid the pain that she passed on being a wife and having a family. A man wears pants to avoid the pain of leg day in the gym. Even in avoiding pain, humans can be funny.

After a break up, a person will change the route taken each day to avoid the pain of seeing a former companion. Many people have moved to avoid seeing an ex. They move across campus, across town, and across countries. In such cases, the length becomes measurable for how far people are willing to go to avoid pain.

The medical practices for most of history sound barbaric by comparison to today. From painkillers to anesthesia, inventions abound that help people avoid and minimize pain. At the dentist, multiple levels of pain mitigation are applied before the procedure begins. In one visit a person receives a topical compound, followed by a shot, and crowned with a constant stream of laughing gas to ensure their visit is pain free. Before any surgery, anesthesia begins. In case of a headache, a number of pills are ready to stop that pain in minutes.

Then there’s the case of people that choose to live with perpetual pain, afraid of the pain of the solution. People live with minor pain with back or joints to avoid the pain of surgical intervention and long recoveries. It’s funny. People will choose pain to avoid pain. People will choose the long-term pain that comes from a sedentary lifestyle to avoid the pain of getting in the gym and getting in shape. A sugary treat now soothes a person in the short term and pushes out thoughts of pain that follows from a lifetime of neglecting one’s health. A woman sits at home eating ice cream out of the carton to avoid the pain of rejection. A man hangs out at the gym ignoring the loneliness of his life.

As the examples pile up, the humor dissipates. A person with empathy starts to see the sadness of this dynamic.

A writer sits in front of the page daily, but never publishes for fear of rejection. Perhaps the fear that nobody reads the writing keeps the aspiring author from ever attempting to publish. How many great novels disappeared in history, even after being written, because a person was afraid to share such personal words?

I woke up the other day, reminded of my own loss. My eyes opened and the pain of loss felt simultaneously fresh and dull. I’ve sat with it long enough that I’m accustomed to this particular flavor of pain. Days can begin or end with reminders of such loss. Finding things to do, distractions become a natural coping mechanism to avoid the pain of loss.

Years passed as I fought to prevent the loss that eventually became inevitable. I wanted something badly. I suffered dearly trying to prevent that loss. My desire to avoid that specific pain blinded me from pain I was absorbing on this ineffectual path. Opportunities disappeared and costs piled up as I blindly pursued one thing. I allow myself a self-deprecating laugh. Unlike the guy who wears pants because he prefers to work on his arms and chest, I was wearing pants over my head so I wouldn’t see the damage I was taking from my blind pursuit.

When I woke up the other day, reminded of this loss, another thought quickly took its place. I felt peace. Unexpectedly, the loss of that which I was afraid to lose, led to greater peace than I’ve felt in years. No longer must I question each day how to act in order to obtain the impossible. No more contorting my body and mind to align with a goal that was never worth having. No more sacrificing myself in ways that cost me more than it helped.

The pain of loss is transforming into the beauty of peace. A smile gently spread across my face as this feeling and thought settled into my mind. Another lesson learned, compliments of pain. I never thought that facing and accepting the ultimate pain would bless me with peace. Yet, here I am. The loss was painful. It was excruciating. Sometimes, I still feel it wash over me. However, increasingly, the loss brought benefits I did not previously consider.

My empathy has increased, as has my understanding and ability to create and enforce healthy boundaries. The sources of pain that looked like they would never end are gone. Expelled from my life, no longer able to harm me. Where I once battled daily with chaos, peace now reigns. The loss may have been initiated externally, but I ultimately accepted and enacted the events that made it permanent. I accepted the pain and discovered that losing something toxic gave me needed freedom.

I walked out of darkness and found a comforting glow awaiting me.

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The Darwin Awards were truly ahead of their time. They pointed out the many stupid ways that people die. From taking care of a pet elephant to riding a Segue off a cliff, it’s astonishing how creative death can be. As creative as I’ve tried to be during my life, I have to tip my hat to Death. He seemed to truly outdo himself with a few of these stories. How much more creative could he be?

Then people started eliminating themselves from the gene pool while trying to take selfies. Social media was thriving, growing, expanding, and as such, consuming people. People allowed themselves to be consumed by the promise of posting another picture. In their rush to aggrandize themselves they purchased sticks that allowed more selfies in more extreme poses. People fell off structures, leaned into oncoming traffic, and failed to recognize other dangerous conditions. They did it for the pic. It seems Death has a wicked sense of humor. His appreciation for irony is evident as people ended themselves while stretching for a snapshot of immortality.

Had you asked me then, I would have said it looked like we were peaking on the narcissism index. Years later, I don’t think we’re anywhere near that summit. Social media took a growing narcissism and poured fuel on it. For over a century, people have been told to consume and focus on themselves.

Let’s review some of the narcissistic lies people have swallowed in mass.

I’m a winner even if I didn’t place first.

I get a trophy for participating.

I must have a prestigious college degree.

I should have a prestigious job because of my college degree.

I deserve a six-figure salary in my first job.

I deserve a house.

I can’t be told I’m weak, lacking, failing, or anything less than perfect.

I have the right opinion even when half the country has a different opinion.

It’s more than icky. It’s dividing and destroying people. Here’s a few more favorite slogans perpetuated by the more narcissistic among us.

“My truth”

“Focus on yourself”

“You do you”

These slogans have been preached with such persistence and enthusiasm on social media that generations of people have adopted them. Given that women are more prone to these messages and using social media, women have adopted these slogans to a higher degree than men. This too fuels the divide in our society.

People are told to consume constantly. Peer pressure and marketing messages push us to want more for ourselves. I shop online for clothes and ads attack me. Suddenly I find myself rationalizing why I need a t-shirt from Gucci that costs a month of salary. Then I jump on social media and look down on the guy that spent an entire days’ wages on a party.

If you’re laughing, you should be. We should all see the joke. Non-stop, 24/7 hypocrisy fed to us by an individualized algorithm. Narcissistic individuals pose and posture online talking about the good life they live while simultaneously shaming others for doing the same. It’s a joke. It’s unintentional comedy. The joke is becoming increasingly dark.

Think of what we called it without a hint of irony or self-awareness. The feed. Our worst impulses fed into our brains. A constant stream of demoralizing and divisive calories feeding straight into the arteries of our mind.

Narcissism is at an all-time high and accelerating.

Allow me to ask a question that serves as a metaphor for the feed. How many donuts can you eat in one sitting?

That first one is a naughty delight. It’s a little cheat on your otherwise Instagram-worthy routine. The second one is pure indulgence. If you reach for a third, you’ll probably start to regret it. Do you keep shoving sweet carbs in your mouth until you can’t function? At some point people are revulsed by the sheer gluttony.

For years now, most don’t think twice about the feed they are consuming. Sure, everybody else needs to get out of their filter bubble, but my feed is healthy. Once in a while some sugar and carbs slip into the feed on my keto diet, but it doesn’t affect me.

Do you think it doesn’t affect you when all the people around you are behaving in an increasingly narcissistic manner? Can you maintain a healthy perspective and live life unaffected when a delusion is not only spreading but being acted out by people in close proximity?

Increasingly, I’m seeing people turn against social media. However, the narcissism isn’t slowing down. Even if we figure out these systems and incentives, the impact won’t reverse immediately. Kids have learned that people get rich from online fame. It’s true. We can ignore the fact that most people aren’t getting rich like that. We should not ignore the fact that people have made enormous sums of money from behaving narcissistically. The incentive is there. It’s real.

The fatigue is also real. People are tired of influencers and toxic culture. People are tired of being filmed while trying to exercise. Patience is short for people looking to score points. In the race to gather attention, our attention spans became as short as the shorts all platforms push. It’s right in front of our faces. It’s in the language we use to describe the things we are criticizing.

I believe people are waking up. The first step is recognizing the problem. More people are recognizing the toxic environment we’ve permitted. From removing apps from phones to deleting accounts, people are increasingly questioning social media. Personally, I’ve paid the price of this narcissistic culture. I’ve watched as narcissism destroys people, families, relations, and culture. It will get worse before it gets better. We should not feel pessimistic though. Five years ago, nobody I knew spoke of narcissism. Recently, I heard someone use it casually in a sentence. They used it in the appropriate and accurate context of the definition. I was surprised because I didn’t think this person was aware of the concept.

Awareness is growing. This is good. It’s reason for hope. As more people recognize the epidemic of narcissism and how it’s perpetuated socially, we can do more to call it out and correct it. We don’t have to accept that this is how things will be. The past few years provide more than sufficient examples of the destructive nature of narcissism. I can tell more than a few stories about the misery that results from this condition when it goes unchecked. People don’t like the results. I assure you. People do not enjoy the treatment narcissists give.

When narcissism goes unchecked and spreads across an entire culture, Death appears ready to balance the ledger. We look down on civilizations like Egypt and Rome. We simultaneously marvel at the ruins they left behind. We see, even tour, the monuments they made unto themselves. Do we see the narcissism required to build some of these structures? Do we believe that we are so different from ancient people that we can’t also fall under the weight of our own narcissism?

I believe people are increasingly tired of the narcissism in our society. I hope enough people choose to reject it that we can avoid the consequences of other civilizations. I’m choosing Informed Empathy.

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Hallie is dedicated to Halloween. She dresses up in the morning. Makeup is carefully applied. A base is applied as the starting point to smooth and cover her natural features. Lipstick provides an unnatural color around her mouth. Mascara, eyeliner, and other tools are expertly wielded to paint her face in the most fantastic guise. Once finished, she admires her flawless work in the mirror and gives herself a wink.

Her costume is given equal care. She thoughtfully selected the individual pieces and prepared them in advance. They were hung in her closet to ensure they flowed unwrinkled. She tried them on previously to ensure a perfect fit. The effort of putting on the costume is lost in the enthusiasm she feels. Each element is checked and adorned. She smooths the bands and straps of her cute underwear, ensuring nothing is twisted. Everything lies flat and holds her in just the right places. Waistbands, collars, and hemlines are smoothed and adjusted to sit just the way she likes. Once finished, she again admires her work in the mirror. Her costume is complete. She is ready for Halloween tricks and treats.

Hallie takes to the day with enthusiasm. She truly plays the part. Kids are equally delighted and terrified by how convincing she plays her character. Most adults decide to humor her, but once in a while some wonder whether something is amiss. Most of them don’t know her well enough to give it more than a moment’s thought. Call it a passing feeling.

At the end of the day, the entire costume is removed. She is exhausted after keeping it up all day. Finally, she is able to let the character drop as she washes the last remnants of makeup from her face. She notices something about her skin that she doesn’t like so she applies a nighttime treatment and chooses not to think about it.

She turns on the TV and tunes out as she tries to fall asleep and forget about what she had to do that day to play her character. After all, it’s a Tuesday in August and she has another full day tomorrow. Despite what the calendar says, Halloween is every day for Hallie.

For a covert narcissist, every day is a day to dress up and pretend to be like the other humans. For them, it is exhausting. Yet, they are committed to the task. They play their tricks on others to get the treat they need. That sweet substance is their drug. They can’t live without that supply. Thankfully, they are able to find that supply most days by dressing up and playing the character they show to the world. Every day is Halloween with a narcissist.

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Think back to childhood. Summer was this beautiful expanse of possibilities. School was out. Clubs took a break. If you had any sports, it was something like baseball, the slowest of sports. Time dragged on forever. You woke up when your body told you it was time for adventure. Then you set out to find that adventure. Some days that adventure was found riding bikes with friends or running around in the great outdoors. Other days adventure was something you were surprised to discover in a good book after a morning at the library exploring the shelves. Adventure might have been found in a video game that you spent several days in a row mastering to beat that one boss or get past that diabolical level.

Time was not just your ally. Time was your best friend. Time was yours.

Just pause and think about it for a minute. Remember that feeling of summer as a child with endless time to pursue whatever you wanted. You might have spent it improving yourself. Maybe you did service. Maybe you got into trouble. Perhaps you just hung out, doing nothing, completely stress-free. No judgement. No shame. You were a kid.

Time was yours.

Then you grew up and got married. It happened surprisingly fast. You met the person of your dreams. You spent all your time with this person.

To make it a little more personal I’m going to take a more specific track from here but feel free to flip it to suit your personal circumstance.

When you met this girl, you gave her all your attention and time. It was an easy trade. The feelings and experiences you received for your time spent with her made it a bargain. You would not have traded any of that time for one more summer as a kid.

Time passed. You got married, had kids of your own. Something changed along the way. You started to notice that she always had something for you to do. Your job was demanding, but not nearly as demanding as when you arrived home. Maybe she had a list written down. More likely, she kept an endless list in her head. Any time you tried to sit down in front of the TV, at the computer, or in the garage to pursue a hobby, she was there. She was ready with something on the list. Often, especially as time passed, she would call or send a message with a request. It was usually said with the nicest words. Please and thank you would change your plans and defer the time you were going to spend on interests, hobbies, even friends.

Then it escalated. Instead of kind requests that gave you the option to look like a jerk if you didn’t help her, she adopted a more manipulative tactic. She would stop you in your tracks and give you two unpleasant options. Do you want to wash the dishes or mow the lawn? Do you want to go shopping or hang out with my parents? Would you like to clean the bathroom or help your kid with this excessively elaborate school project?

Before you knew it, time was never yours. There was never enough time. All your time was not just spoken for. Your time was allocated and taken from you before you had a chance to claim it. You stopped making plans because she always had something for you to do. Your hobbies were forgotten. Your friends stopped inviting. You forgot that young boy who experienced the euphoria of endless summer. You forgot the things that woke you up in the morning and gave you that sense of adventure. The boundless energy you got from the thrill of unknown possibility evaporated.

Once in a while, if you complain enough, she asks you what you want to do. You don’t have an answer ready because you’ve been trained to accommodate her schedule and her list. Even if you do have something in mind, you know how she will react if you take time for yourself and leave her with the kids. You smile at her and tell her how much you would love spending time with her.

She looks satisfied having again been validated. Your smile hides the inside where you’re dying, slowly. Endless summer is now endless pain. A dull, numb sensation that you can’t explain. Something is amiss.

When you feel that your time is always her time, that’s not a healthy relationship.

Join others looking to build healthier relationships through Informed Empathy. Take some time for yourself. Start with one email. If this story sounds familiar, brother, you need it.

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Party every day. Party every day! You had to say it twice because that’s the kind of guy you were. Remember the time you and your roommates put on swim suits and went sledding in the snow. Then there’s the time you went on a different type of streak and got a new phone number every day of the week. Your friends were cheering you on as you took it up a notch and collected no less than two phone numbers per day. Speaking of friends. You had friends from one side of the state to the other. You had friends across the country. Sometimes it presented problems. You had to choose which group you were going to hang out with, sometimes splitting Friday and Saturday night between two different groups. People genuinely liked you. Everywhere you went, people noticed your positive energy.

You had a job and potential. You went to bed most nights with a smile on your face and woke up with a positive vibe long before vibes became a meme. The world was your oyster.

I remember like it was yesterday. Do you?

You met a girl and it felt like everything was going your way. She was THE girl. She adored you. You could do no wrong with her. You married her.

Then everything changed.

It was a small and slow change. You took that new job. After work you came home to your wife. She was waiting for you. She took up all your time. That was great in the beginning because the benefits were like nothing else you experienced previously. You moved into a new place, further from friends. With work and marriage, you saw your friends less often. They got busy. You got busy. Work was demanding.

One day you started to realize that your wife was demanding. She has so many needs. You love her more than anything. You sacrifice for her. You protect and provide. It’s a struggle, but worth it. Friends stop calling. She introduces you to new friends. Soon she insists it’s time for a baby. You give her that.

One day you look up and realize it’s never a party. No day is a party. The fun of your younger days seems like a distant memory. Another life that you barely remember. People don’t comment on your good energy any more. The magnetism you formerly wielded without effort is now elusive or non-existent. Even worse, it’s as if people are avoiding you. Your wife starts to complain that she is left out of the clicks with other women. Before you know it, it’s just you and the family every day and the possibilities of life look much less abundant.

The positivity of your former life has evaporated. Without noticing, your life has turned negative. It’s confusing because you always considered yourself an optimist. You love your family. Your wife does the things that a wife and mother does, but she never seems happy. In fact, you spend lots of time trying to make her happy.

Happy wife, happy life.

Right?

Isn’t that true?

What happens if she is never happy?

…

It’s a difficult thing to recognize. It’s real though. Stop and think for a moment. Ask yourself if the following applies to you. Have you felt more negative the longer you’ve been with your wife?

Maybe it’s not your wife. Maybe it’s a girlfriend, boss, relative, or other relationship. Is there someone in your life that started out as a great relationship, then slowly sucked the joy out of the world? It’s something that happens gradually. You have to think hard and look at examples. Sometimes you have to do what I wrote above. Contrast your life before you met this person with the life you experience now. Is your life becoming more negative the longer this person is in it?

If yes, it’s a sign. This might be the place for you. Stick around. It’s time for a positive change.

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You might be familiar with a hit song from Annie Lennox. It came out in 1992.

The younger crowd will consider that a deep cut. Here’s the lyrics*.

You were the sweetest thing that I ever knew

But I don’t care for sugar honey if I can’t have you

Since you abandoned me

My whole life has crashed

Won’t you pick the pieces up

‘Cause it feels just like I’m walking on eggshells

Walking on walking on eggshells

Walking on walking on eggshells

The sun’s still shining in the big blue sky

But it don’t mean nothing to me

Oh let the rain come down

Let the wind blow through me

I’m living in an empty room

With all the windows smashed

And I’ve got so little left to lose

That it feels just like I’m walking on eggshells

Walking on walking on eggshells

And If you’re trying to cut me down

You know that I might bleed

‘Cause if you’re trying to cut me down

I know that you’ll succeed

And if you want to hurt me

There’s nothing left to fear

‘Cause if you want to hurt me

You’re doing really well my dear

Now everyone of us was made to suffer

Everyone of us was made to weep

But we’ve been hurting one another

And now the pain has cut too deep…

So take me from the wreckage

Save me from the blast

Lift me up and take me back

Don’t let me keep on walking…

I can’t keep on walking

I can’t keep on walking on eggshells

For the astute, or people that had a pulse in the 90’s, you’ll notice I took one key liberty. She sings about walking on broken glass. That’s the catchy line most people remember. I have no intention of remaking this song.

*I inserted eggshells over broken glass and made no other changes. The song is talking about a person being hurt in a relationship. The romantic abandonment is part and parcel of the condition on which we focus here.

I made only one change after reviewing the lyrics because I recognized the easy alignment and application of the original lyrics. In truth, we could leave broken glass in place and still use the song as proper instruction for our purposes.

Think of your relationship as your read the lyrics. Does it fit?

The relationship in the song started out sweet. Her man won her over with that sweetness. She quickly transitions to a life where she’s been left alone, but that feeling can remain even in an apparently solid marriage. Her partner could have emotionally or psychologically left her after metaphorically wrecking the house.

In the third verse she asks whether he is trying to hurt her and she knows he can. Yet, clearly, she doesn’t want him to leave. The insults and emotional injuries generate real pain. Is this something you have experienced in your relationship?

After this verse she takes some of the blame. She is willing to take responsibility for bad behavior to mitigate the pain and get some of that sweetness back that she experienced in the beginning of the relationship. It evidences an unhealthy bond has formed.

I can’t speak to the state of psychological literature in the 90’s. However, this relationship has specific language that defines what is described in this hit song. I’m specifically avoiding that technical language. Speaking from experience, people going through this don’t have a knowledge of the technical definitions. In fact, a relationship like this relies on a target remaining ignorant of unhealthy patterns and behavior.

If you pay attention to the words in this song and it resonates, you’ve come to the right place. Walking on eggshells is an expression full of meaning. This describes a person who must watch her words and carefully consider all her actions to avoid negative responses from another person.

Children feel this way with parents when they say nothing they do is ever right.

A husband who remains silent or spends significant time thinking of how he can craft the perfect way to tell his wife something simple is walking on eggshells.

If every step a person takes risks creating more cracks, the stress builds with time. The stress compounds and builds as the person will inevitably slip and be punished for another perceived mistake or offense.

Healthy relationships don’t force either partner to tiptoe around eggshells.

Informed Empathy aims to help people build healthy relationships. Subscribe and be part of this movement.

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Have you ever laughed evil in the face?

I have.

As you might expect, she did not take it well.

I’m JK Forest. That’s not my given name. It’s a nom de plume. It’s like that super old radio show which inspired the movie starring Alec Baldwin. In the movie he only pretended to shoot at people, unlike later when he actually… never mind.

“Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men [and women]? The Shadow knows!”

I’ve learned about an epidemic spreading through our culture. No, it wasn’t manufactured in a lab. This isn’t some woo-woo, candlelight mysticism. I didn’t hear about it while numbing my mind on social media.

I lived it.

Not by choice. I’m not crazy. This story could be a psychological thriller or tale of a dystopian society. It’s perfect for our time. It’s a decentralized conspiracy.

Wait, can a conspiracy be decentralized? Let’s try again.

Like Bitcoin, it’s decentralized, so no one person can bring down the entire system. Individual nodes perpetuate and spread the epidemic. We could hide in our homes like it’s 2020 and pretend it’s not happening.

But we already saw how that turns out. Plus, it’s no fun.

I survived a covert narcissist and took a stand to protect the innocent. It’s neither easy nor quick. It’s not something to do alone. In fact, narcissism thrives on people being isolated. That’s a great reason to subscribe.

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Narcissists are low empathy. That’s a nice way of saying that not only do they not care how you feel, they are basically incapable of recognizing your feelings.

Informed Empathy, the title of this publication, states a key objective for writing. It’s also a state of being that counteracts narcissism. Expect stories and insights to be published several times a month. In some places that might be called weekly.

Seriously, subscribe already. Don’t let them isolate you.